random thoughts

i just came from the first meeting session for my Strama (Strategic Management) class … Strama is my last subject … and this is (hopefully!) my last term in MBA! (well, i do have one elective this term and technically, i still need to enroll OCE next term but Strama is supposed to be the climax of my MBA life … and it was a long wait … very loooong! Typical part-time MBA students with no business background (whatsoever! — like me!) will take around three years (normal 6-unit load per term) to finish … i started in 2003 and only now am i in my Strama Class! Most of my basic MBA subject classmates have graduated … (most of them got married as well … but that’s a different blog altogether … hmmm … i think that was the subject of my previous blog! ;=) hehehehe)  Anywho … as i was saying, it was a loong journey and i can almost see the end of my 6-year self-induced, pursuit-of-higher-learning struggles! Of course, i have to pass this term to actually graduate … and the first session was a bittersweet taste of the weeks to come! I specifically chose the section i am currently enrolled in because i know i will learn (and suffer! ;=) ) a lot from the professor and tonight’s session was a sampler and it’s making good on my wish of learning (and suffering!).

I have grand plans for this term and this subject actually — i will not cram on my papers … i will read all assigned readings and do additional research as needed … i will be extra hyper at Class recitations … i will get 4.0!!! (hehe … one can dream, right?!)  — hmmm … come to think of it, i did have all those plans every term and every end of the term i have a blog (well, not really every term!) about my cramming ingenuity and my buzzer-beater successes! i think this time it will happen though … i am not very busy anymore (read: updated facebook and friendster and chatting throughout the day!) and i even arranged for work-from-home (WFH) every Monday! ;=) Yeah, this time it will happen … it has to … since i cannot anymore hide under the guise and excuse of being busy! ;=)

Another one of my weird out-of-the-blue realizations … J it struck me today that i am probably part of the remaining 10 or so percent of people in my batch — both grade school and high school – who are not married yet! (hmmm … it’s fairly hard to compute with college batchmates … and i think the percentage will be even less, so let’s just leave it to the pre-college friends!) J hehe hmmm … i don’t know exactly why i thought of it all of a sudden … i didn’t attend our annual high school reunion/get-together this year … and it’s been sometime since i did the ‘let’s-count-who’s-not-married-yet’ exercise!   hmmm … maybe it’s because i just got an invite to another wedding … but that was not even a wedding of one of my school batchmates … maybe because i just dropped off my brother and sister-in-law in the airport today and i saw my 9-year old niece (and 8-year old nephew) saying goodbye to them … my sister-in-law is my school batchmate … and seeing her with a 9-year old daughter was a bittersweet reminder for me that had i been married — at around the ‘normal’ time my batchmates married … hmmm, “normal” since i think it’s still in the cards for me … but the timing just might be a little off … hehe … yup, i’m still very optimistic!) – i would have a daughter — well, maybe a bit younger – like her!:) … or maybe because my own mother asked me when will i (ever) get married! (this is a conversation filler in the 1.5hr commute to the airport!) hehe … nothing like an in-your-face blunt question from your mother to jerk you into mulling over your sad solitary state yet again! :)  (and oh yeah, one of my aunts over the holidays asked me again, for the nth time, whether i have a boyfriend already or not!)

hmmm … this is not exactly the blog i have in mind to welcome the new year … don’t get me wrong … i think compared to my previous blogs on the subject (ahh … there are lots of them here!) … this time i am writing this down very objectively … hehe … i am not whining or anything …  (er … can you sense the non-whiny-very-objective feel to the blog?! hehehehe … i think i have moved to acceptance … having stayed in the depression stage for far too long!) hehehe oh well … again, I’m still optimistic … and I still claim this year as THE year! hehe (hmmm … I say this every year! J hehe seriously, this should be the least of my concerns this year actually … I have more pressing life-altering decisions to make this year … and to be honest, I think marrying someone should be one of the easier decisions I will have to make should the situation come up! (… er, allow me to explain that … J deciding to marry someone you already love or in a relationship with is the easier decision … to decide to love someone you just met is the harder part … of course in my case, even the ‘meeting’ part is hard but let’s not go there! … hehe) … this year is my pivotal year and it’s an open field! hehe it’s not a crossroad with four limited choices … it’s an open field with infinite directions … infinite choices! (well … technically, not infinite but indulge me with the literary exaggeration! :p) … this year will be a very exciting year! I just hope when the time comes that I’m actually in the center of the field … er, april 30, 2009! … that I will know exactly which path to take! … that I will know exactly which direction will lead to the culmination of my mission … my life purpose … that I will know exactly which choice will give me the absolute, unequaled joy I long for! J Hmmm … it’s going to be a tough, but very exciting, four months …  J

Haay .,,, it is a sad day! I probably received 10 Goodbye-Intel emails today … and I know I will be receiving at least 30 more! L it’s funny how people go through great pains of coming up with a goodbye note … it has to be unique … has to make a deep impression without going overboard … it has to be not-so-dramatic but almost-heart-wrenching just the same. And to top it all, you have to include ever single acquaintance/friends you had over the course of your stay spanning at least three continents … spread out over more than 5 countries! It’s a good thing I don’t have to do it just yet … (it’s a good thing?!) … but it makes me wonder what I’m going to say – I guess I have  four months to figure it out!

I just thought I’d blog about this … since this is really killing me. I’ve never been good at goodbyes … i have a problem with letting go (yes, Tin .,. I admit it!!! J) and I hate to be the one left behind – haha! how selfish can I get, huh?! … er … it’s not selfishness … it’s self-preservation! J anyways, there … really sad day … really sad start to many sad days ahead! L I guess I just have to accept this reality … people merely passing by and you just have to be thankful for those brief (or maybe not-so-brief) moments you spent together! This sucks … but life goes on … (and before I know it, it’ll be my turn! J)

You know the expression do not count the eggs before they’re hatched? (weird saying, BTW … I mean, there can be other analogies … why chicken eggs were used is beyond me! J hehehe) Anyways … I’m doing it right now! Well, I’m not exactly counting them … I just have an elaborate excel spreadsheet on what I’ll do with my separation pay once I get it! – Yep … the operative word is ‘once’ … not ‘if’ … because I am getting it! J hehehehe (I’m claiming it! I’m getting it … it’s just a matter of time … J) Anywho … I think the more apt term is planning … my excel sheet is my Plan 2009! Mayzelle Atienza Plan 2009! Nice … it has a nice, executive ring to it! J hehehe … (I will put sub headings and sub sheets with titles: Project Marriage, Project Europe Trip, Project Investment … and oh yeah … Project Weight Loss! J hehehehe … I think I can finally go to Marie France once I get my separation pay! J hehehehe kidding … I wouldn’t really spend that amount of cash just to lose weight … unless otherwise I’m desperate … which I’m not … yet! J hehe)

Oh well … I think I ought to mention what brought on that spreadsheet … actually, I had that file since year 1999 when I was assigned in Santa Clara … I was trying to project how much I’d save from my per diem G&S allowance … J  Anyways, fast forward to 2008 … the file has been dormant for ages but last month or so I picked it up and religiously updated it again! I am currently tracking every single expenditure I have … down to the Php5 coin I gave the kid who assisted me while backing up from a parking lot in Manggahan! –-Yup, I am that OC on my finances right now! J I created a graph to see the improvement (or fluctuation) from month to month of my overall raw cash expenses and the relative percentage of each expense category!    I have a salary projector based on expected focal increase … I have a per payday payment schedules and a list of must-happens to enable those payments! I have a breakdown of my monthly income, how much I actually take home after all the deductions (which is a lot –- God bless the Philippines!)  and how much budget I have per day for food so I’ll live within my means! J Hehe … Nope, this is not exactly what I learned in MBA … it’s more like basic Excel actually, and a dash of OC-ness! J

Something happened to me last month that made me like this! I am an almost-shopaholic and I always rationalize my shopping spree as gifts for myself … since I’m working so hard and all! J I wouldn’t really go into details of what happened … needless to say it was a wake-up call … I better get my act together on my finances or else … J so I did … and I’ve been at it for the last month. As in every brilliant project I start in my life … I hope I’ll stick to it. I do pray I’ll stick to it! J I think I should mention that I didn’t become stingy in the process (I don’t think! J ) … I still know how to have a good time, how to reward myself and how to share my blessings … they’re just all tracked and graphed! J I still hope to splurge on a Lacoste shirt and I still hope to go to my once-a-month shirt shopping in Mango … J but at least now I know where everything goes … and I know what percentage it is … the graph glaringly tells me so! J hehe  

It’s my birthday today … I guess yesterday would be the more apt term since I’m not really online and writing this in draft and will be able to post this only tomorrow … which makes my birthday … yesterday! J hahaha … I confused you ha! J

Anyways … i had the grandest time-alone plan for my birthday … I forecasted a 1.5 days off until the morning after (so I don’t have to wake up early!) … the plan was on the day of my birthday, I will stay overnight in Sonya’s Garden (they have bed and breakfast!) … I will go for a full body massage, manicure, pedicure, foot spa – the works! J yup … it will be my kikay, time-alone birthday celebration! J I will stay part of the day with my family … will go home the night before and then will leave around lunch time …  Yup … grand plan! J Of course, I just came from a weekend CLP the day before … so it’s complete –- I had the full weekend with God and the brothers and sisters from Lingkod, I will stay overnight in my parents house and then time alone! – The week before, we did a GK build in GK Munting Paraiso (in Trece Martires City)  … there were 23 of us … we help complete a floor of one house – this is my pre-birthday celebration as well – a first for me to do charity work for my birthday! – see complete celebration! J

Anywho … I was able to accomplish my birthday celebration plan up until the point of going to my parents house and staying overnight … my niece and nephew stayed for the weekend as well … since it’s their semestral break from school … I wasn’t able to leave by lunchtime since it took some time for them to be ready … I was able to drop them off at their (other) grandparents’ house in Cavite around 5pm … and then since I was in the area and there’s one last bank errand I wasn’t able to do last Friday … I went for that last bank errand … and before I knew it … it was already 6pm! No more time to go to Sonya’s Garden! I also convinced myself that it’ll be very expensive to do that grand plan and I have more pressing needs for my money … rather than splurging it one shot in my spa adventure! So there … to cut the long, rather unfortunate story short … I didn’t go for it anymore! But I do plan on still doing it one day … I owe myself one the-works-spa adventure …  J I ended up doing my Sunday ritual (see last blog — J) … I had kani salad and California maki dinner in Teriyaki Boy … then I stayed in Starbucks Tagaytay! … J and then I wrote this blog! … haha! Nothing special about my day then since it’s just like any ordinary Sunday … J but it was still very special … for one it was a Monday! hehe (I had a long weekend!!!)  … I had so many text messages throughout the day … (I only have that many messages during Christmas and New Year! J … I received several phone calls … one of them, overseas … (from Nevo!) … I even had an MMS from Van with a very special picture of someone J … and a very big picture of V-Cut, Cheese flavor (the only junk food I cannot resist at the moment … the rest I can … well, except maybe for Starbucks chocolate-dipped doughnuts or Starbucks caramel coffee jelly frapuccino, or … ) hehe … yup, it was out of the ordinary and not just another Sunday ritual … it was made special by friends! J Yes, I was still alone but I actually preferred it that way! J  I don’t know … call me weird … but I love these times alone! J

It’s my 33^rd … and truth be told, it’s kinda scary … although I think I’m becoming immune to the ‘why-don’t-you-have-a-BF-yet’ comment already … I was telling one of my friends that a lot of the birthday wishes I got was for me to find someone already (someone … and its many variations:  special someone, life partner, boyfriend, long lasting lovelife!) … and I told her that since a lot of people wished that for me … hopefully, God will listen already and grant it! J hehehe It’s scary but I think this year was different … I had worse panic attack about the same subject in previous years … J I think it’s that knowledge and confidence that God knows what He’s doing … J and that He knows my heart’s desires … one of them is obviously that … but He will grant it in His perfect time. I still wish it’ll be this year … as I have wished in years past … but if not, then I will continue to hope and wish on my next years … J hehe Of course, I know that eventually, my heart will be after God’s own heart … and that it will be formed after His own will … J

What are my other wishes? I wish to know where to go from here … I still have until April to discern and figure things out … (hmmm … I haven’t written a blog about that yet …  will do so one of these days … this will just be the prelude to that blog … J ) I have so many options (Praise God for the many options! J) … which makes everything very very confusing! That –- and my lack of conviction on what I really really want to do is adding to the already chaotic state of my heart and mind! Anywho … that’s my wish … that I will come up with a decision already … that I will be able to map out my life already … that I will be able to choose a life not because it was the easy route to take … the path of least resistance … but because it was what I was created for … that I will fulfill my purpose for existence … that I will be led to the completion of my life mission! J Hmmm … tough wishes … it’s no wonder God was taking His time revealing them to me! J hehe

Before I end, I want to take this time to thank everyone who remembered … and for those who didn’t … it’s oct 27^th! J hehehe Thank you all for the great friendships … it’s a cliché but I will say it anyways … a big part of who I am now is because of the great relationships I had with all of you (well, not really all of you since this is an open blog … but, you know what I mean, right!) … and I am forever indebted to you all! J Mahal ko kayo! J

Moving on … I hear this a lot lately … I claim and say this a lot lately — that i have moved on! the weird part is, it’s been three years since i was in something that resembles a relationship — I am not talking about him, BTW, that part of my life is way over! — I’m talking about some other kind of moving on! hehe … i am talking about moving on from a deluded, make-believe hope-against-hope fantasy — er … if there’s such a thing!

hmmm … how do you move on from something that wasn’t there in the first place? how do you move on from a conjured, made-up romance?!

have you moved on if some other new person fills your mind now? if you can talk openly about previously taboo topics with him? if the idea of him ending up with someone else doesn’t hurt you anymore … doesn’t subject you in so much self-induced misplaced pain anymore? if the mere sight of his name announcing that he’s logged in in YM is not making your heart beat faster anymore? if chatting with him, or the absence thereof, do not consume you so much anymore? that you don’t count the days since you last talked? and you don’t go back to the message archive to savor the last conversations you’ve had?

hmmm … if this is moving on then i guess i’m well on my way … give or take … another year?! hehe hmmm … i should reread Greg Behrendt ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ book … that should speed things up some more!

hmmm … i’m still delaying the inevitable! … so here goes another blog! i’m here in starbucks tagaytay right now … doing my sunday ritual everytime i am driving back from batangas, i.e. hear the 5pm (or 6pm mass), have dinner … usually in teriyaki boy … and then coffee in starbucks! i usually have to resist having one of those yummy desserts … but then eventually, i’ll give in with a personal resolve that this will be the last time — for the week - that i will be having sweets! this week is one of those weeks that i won over my sweets craving! so i just had coffee … will reserve the sweets budget for later in the week!
it’s actually weird hanging out here by myself … especially on a sunday where there’s a lot of people … mostly families or a large group of friends, mostly from the city … it’s weird but i got used to it! as long as i have my laptop … and a book … and my journal … i’m good! :) i actually cherish these times alone with myself … this is my time to think things through … my time to regroup … my time to plan for the week ahead! i always have several pages in my journal filled on these sunday rituals … that’s good, productive self-downtime right there!
today … i did just that! i filled two pages in my journal … i fixed my financial tracking sheet (long story — will blog about it one of these days! ) … i came up with my birthday resolutions … i fixed my inbox and i blogged! — see, productive! i read in books that being in touch with one’s inner self is a mark of an emotionally intelligent person … being able to commune with oneself and being comfortable alone is healthy! :)  i tend to agree but i think i don’t usually have much choice on the matter! there are times i wish i was talking to someone rather than filling pages in my journal … there are times i feel a twinge of self-pity by the rather dolefulness of dining and having coffee alone … good thing, tonight is not one of those i-pity-my-loner-self night … 

there’s only one thing i didn’t do tonight and that is to read … i usually have a self-help book with me but tonight, i took my DIGITECH book with me hoping i’ll get started on those 4 chapters … since i’m still blogging … and yes, like i mentioned, delaying the inevitable, i haven’t opened the book yet! hmmm … sooner or later, i have to read those four chapters … and i still have that group project proposal thing i need to do! oh well, enough blogging then …

i am delaying the inevitable again … delaying studying and reading 4 chapters of DIGITECH book so i played around with my blogs page … i changed the theme upon realizing that what i had was the default theme! i cannot have a default theme … i’m supposed to be a blogger … and a default theme?!!! hehe

anyways … after choosing from a long list of available themes … i settled on one (i think it’s called dignity — hmmm, no reason why i chose it … i wanted to choose the black one, aptly called chaotic something … but i’m not really chaotic right now … hehe i’m serene and at peace and contented! hehehe anywho, to my surprise, all my smileys are displaced and aligned on the left margin! i thought it was just coincidence that all my numerous smileys miraculously landed and aligned nicely on the left side … but i checked and it’s not! hmmm … weirdness!

Finally, I can blog. Been wanting to write … for the past weeks but then something was holding me back … Jyou see, I am enrolled in an online class again … and I have too many backlogs since I skipped one class when I went to Baguio for the RLTC! Hmmm … actually, come to think of it … I skipped one class but I had about two weeks backlog! It’s that lazy bone in me again!!! Hate when that happens! I don’t know … I’ve been very lazy lately … and I cannot afford to be lazy, at least not yet – it’s not January yet! hehe Hmmm … I didn’t explain why I cannot blog … here goes …  J … I cannot blog since I feel guilty blogging if I have two weeks worth of ‘reacting’ due in my online class! It’s not entirely the same though … blogging and ‘blabbing’ here is different , way different from reading business articles (one article was 16 pages long!!!), understanding them (important!) and then posting reactions and/or answering the teacher’s questions! Yeah, it was hard and for the past few days, I just can’t seem to catch up … but last night … I finally did! Zero backlog – all requirements passed! Jhehe … at least until the next online session next week! J but I have one day of free-dom … and I will spend it blogging!

So what’s been happening with me? Will do a laundry list update of my life … haha! As if that interests people … but since you are in fact, reading this … then I guess you care and interested?! … or the least bit curious what I will write this time! J

Anywho, like already mentioned … I went to Baguio together with eight other brothers and sisters from Lingkod Cavite to attend the 2008 RLTC (Regional Leaders Training Conference). I won’t really share every single thing that happened in Baguio … but one thing is for sure, I came down refreshed and re-energized in my service! Maybe it’s just a high feeling, those typical post-retreat emotional high … but I don’t care … I will take emotional high vs. wrung out and dry anytime! It’s a bonus and the experience is something I can claim and go back to whenever the feeling actually wears out and I’m down in the dumps! J It does happen pretty often for me … the down in the dumps, I mean … so giddy happy and emotional high is good! J  I didn’t really accomplish some of the things I went there for … (like find a boyfriend –- KIDDING! hehe) … I wasn’t close to getting my life question answers … but the process of getting grounded and going back to God started … so that’s good … in fact, really good! I now have my still-not-regular-but getting-there prayer time … one that I’ve desperately tried to fix so many times before but for some odd reason I can’t … but now … it’s better! It’s a work in progress, but way better! J

The week after RLTC, I attended another seminar … this time it’s the Foundations of Leadership Excellence seminar given by OCCI (haha … I forgot what OCCI stands for and I cannot find my manual … J) … it was a two full-day seminar over the weekend. Main things I learned (and it’s also a work in progress, since they still have two more tracks, the ALC (Advance Leadership Course) and the LEAP for the complete experience … ) … I learned to be more aware, more in tune of how I react to things … that I have control over what my reactions will be to different scenarios … that negative stimuli, doesn’t automatically result to a negative response … I can actually make a choice on how I should respond … even a split second choice! Jpowerful realization yet very practical! I used to blame people for what happened/happens to me … but now, I know that a lot … hmmm, all! … of the things happening around me, I can probably not fully control, but I can control my reactions to them! I always have a choice! JI can’t really articulate everything that I am feeling right now … I just know that there’s a stirring within my soul to become a better person … to become the best version of myself … to become the best person that God created me to be! Hmmm … tough I know, but I really think that’s the only way to go! I really don’t want to live a half-life … a life that’s only good enough … I want to live the best life I can live … J

Hmmm … brief interlude … my blogging stopped as I chatted with Odette on the phone first … it’s been awhile since I talked to Odette and she forwarded to me the link to her blogsite again … she’s into cooking and baking … and it was inspiring how she discovered her passion in the last year … I’ve known Odette since 2002 and we became roommates and we were together in Israel … I’ve known her all that time and I wouldn’t have imagined her doing all the things she’s doing now … again, inspiring and amazing! Jhmmm … makes me think about my own passion … thinking … still thinking! J … That’s one of my struggles actually …  only few people are blessed with the epiphany of knowing early on what they’re good at and what they really really want! Odette I guess found her calling … J me, still discerning! J

What else is happening? I will be 33 in a few days … (20-13!) … I remember my pre-30 blog before … I wanted to write a blog daily until I hit my 30^th! J Well, I didn’t do it … maybe posted two or three blogs but that’s it … now, I don’t intend to welcome my 33^rd with blogging … so what will I welcome it with? The Q3 incentive bonus would be good … and it has the perfect timing … but sad to say, that was budgeted already to pay my debts! L  … I can probably save around Php5K of it to treat myself to a nice shoes or a nice dress … hmmm, I already bought that as well! Jhehe Hmmm … I actually had the perfect, low-budget idea! JI arranged for a Gawad Kalinga build this coming weekend … will spend my birthday with friends building in the GK Munting Paraiso site … J that will be the first time actually that I will be doing outreach for my birthday and I’m excited!  The idea came to me few weeks back and I think it’s a pretty inspired one … er … I was only joking about the low-budget one … I will be feeding the people going there, don’t worry! Jhehe

So there … a four-paragraph summary of my life in the last few weeks! i think it’s a pretty boring and relatively serious read … J I guess that’s what my life has been like in the past weeks … boringly serious! J  hehe … well, I did leave out the juicy parts … (haha! … there were juicy parts?!!!) … :)  well, I think winning the Level A Mixed Doubles in badminton last week was juicy enough …  I didn’t have that much bragging rights though … Emong was my partner … and I think someone who hasn’t played badminton before partnered with Emong will win championships … maybe not level A … but still! Jhehehe