screwed up …
For lack of people to talk to … I decided to talk to myself … er … write a blog! ;=) This is me thinking (or writing) out loud! ;=) I should pray on this … yeah, I should! So why am I not praying about it! I’ve been in this open-ended futile pros-and-cons exercise for the past two weeks … and I am nowhere near knowing what is the right way to go for me! on one hand, I want to stay … on the other hand, I really think it’s time to pack up my bags and go! I’ve been very vocal in saying that april 1 is it for me! that’s my emancipation! … my ticket to a free life … it will be the end of the road for me as far as my intel career goes! …. Hmmm, but the last week has been a series of roller coaster ride of wanting to go/deciding to go … and no-not-yet/wait-and-see thoughts! I’ve been waiting for april 1 … I was excited about april 1 … I was actually doing something already about april 1 (what’s with april 1? – read past blogs! ;=) hehe) so why the second (third, fourth … ) thoughts! why the sudden change of heart? Why the sudden onslaught of unexplainable indecisive emotions? Hmmm … hate this!
I think I am almost going to decide to stay … 80% there … what’s gating the rest of the 20%? i guess, i just need to convince myself some more that i won’t be putting my life on hold in the meantime … that there’s no meantime … and that whatever it is that i want to accomplish by leaving … i can still accomplish by staying … that the thing i am looking for (or the person?!) … is not dependent on where i am physically … and that … by God’s grace … i will find it (or him!) ;=) regardless of where i am, or what i am doing …
hmmm … this is really hard … maybe i should just flip a coin and see! … at least i won’t have accountability … if i screw up … more screwed up than i am now … then it’s the coin’s fault!!! ;=) hehe
