random thoughts

I’m watching Cats (the musical) as I write this. I remember buying the DVD in Penang after I saw the actual play in KL. I’ve been obsessed with Broadway plays (hmmm … way before Cats, actually) … I’ve seen three but all performed by a traveling cast –- haven’t been to the real thing! L One thing that I love about Cats (vs. Miss Saigon and Les Miserables) was the really nice dance routines –- my obsession on plays and dancing led me to enroll in a modern jazz class in Penang back in 2002 (when I was there on relocation) … the modern jazz dance class experience only proved one thing — I cannot dance and I cannot perform! J I think I can but I should have started when I was five rather than when I was 26! I distinctly remember my guitar lessons instructor (yup, I took guitar lessons as well at about the same time I took the modern jazz class) tell me and I quote verbatim: if you’re planning to make this your career then it’s too late! J good thing I was a confident 26-year-old at that time and one put down by a Malaysian/Chinese guitar instructor didn’t really give me any unrecoverable self-esteem issues! J (I think he is having a hard time speaking English, if I say so myself –- yeah, I think he didn’t really mean that I didn’t have talent, he just doesn’t speak good English!) hehe

I came across a line in one of the novel I just recently finished reading … it’s about following your passion just so at 65 you won’t look back at your life with regret … full of what-ifs … I am looking back at my life … (ahhh …. I don’t need to be 65 to do it!) and it got me thinking what is really my passion? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve PHIs and Focal … it doesn’t even involve microprocessors … and again, from my Penang dancing and performing attempts – it’s not that either … so what is it really? I have at least 3 friends/acquaintances that have their regular day job (needed to pay the bills) and follow their passion on the side: one is an artist/painter, one is an actress/director, one is a singer! Nice huh! They get the best of both worlds and they do what they love to do! In my case, my dilemma is not really having enough courage to pursue it … mine is more confusing that that … I don’t know what my passion really is! L I don’t know what is it that one thing in the world that will give me full, unequaled satisfaction that I can do day in and day out, even without pay – something that will just grant me the utmost happiness imaginable! I don’t know! … not pursuing is one thing but not knowing … it’s tragic … L 

Hmmm … I don’t think it’s too late though but time’s ticking … I really should look for it sooner rather than later … J at least I have a headstart  … process of deduction: dancing is not one of them … and oh, guitar playing also! J

My second blog in one day … really making up for lost time … hmmm, not really, I am just plain unfocused and unsettled … so I decided to write! I will start the focal in 5 mins! ;=) I just realized that these are my first blogs for the new year … and I have been blogging for more than a year now, albeit not too consistent! I so wanted to make this a regular de-stressing thing (but sleeping seems to be working better for me …) there are so many things going on with my life right now (well, er … relatively … compared to back in the day when my life is really boring!)

So here are my bullet one-liner updates (or maybe two-liner … ):

• Didn’t enroll for an MBA subject this term … didn’t make it to the enrollment schedule (I was too lazy … er … preoccupied … to pay attention to it) – have to file that residency!

• I have a trip coming up … if everything goes well (like, if I won’t get fired or get an IR rating in the focal!) … I will be in Folsom for a new product development sometime March … first time back in the US after 3+ years!!! God, I miss US – and California at that! ;=)

• I am back to my losing weight plan … yup, my 3-years-in-the-making plan to be at 110lbs! … funny thing is, the pounds I need to lose increases every year! ;=) hehe I have to have that 3x weekly physical activity! … and not to mention, fitrum! ;=) (am still deciding which is better, xenical or fitrum!) ;=)

• I still have a long list of must-do and must-happens this year: learning how to swim and paint/draw is just one of them … er, it was there last year as well … and the year before that! I really have to do something about my personal deliverables! (Gosh, that sounded really Intel!)

• I ‘won’ a travel voucher … USD1,360 … travel to anywhere in the world for that amount, reimbursable to Intel … until Oct’07! Nice, huh! I’ve been busy planning where to go … Italy is at the top of my list … and Greece, Austria and France … and Spain and Portugal … hmmm … you’d wonder how USD1,360 will take me to all those places, huh! Well, I’m also wondering myself … ;=)

• I’m still saving up for my house … I need to move in this year! If my calculations are correct, I should be able to move there this year! … either that or I will just sell it! ;=( too much burden for a single-unattached-and-totally-available lady! ;=) hehehehe

• On the lovelife front … (what lovelife? … yup, still the same question! ;=) hehe … I misled some people into thinking that I have a new relationship that made it before 2006 ended … I actually didn’t know what in my ‘Happy Holidays’ email could have misled them into thinking that since it was written in plain English that I will be lying if I say that I have a new lovelife … (yeah, was that confusing?!) anyways, to dispel all rumors (haha … as if!) … I am not in a relationship … yet! … hahahaha … I am hoping it’ll happen again this year! Well, one can hope, right? And there’s really nothing much to do about this anyways … so I will hope … and hope … still hoping … ;=)

Hmmm … that’s it for now … I guess I have just kept you up to date with what’s going on with me! … not that you care really … but I am de-stressing right now … so let me be! ;=) hehe

I really should start rating my people … this focal thing is really draining me … emotionally! L I have put off doing this for the last two days and I cannot put it off any longer since my deadline’s tomorrow! We have a tall order to make it happen … yeah, on top of all the issues I have on my latest (and greatest) product … I have to deal with this. Why the hell did I really sign up for this job?! Haay … don’t get me wrong … I love what I do … for the most part … except those times that I have to deal with corrections and reprimands and disciplinary action … (the word seems overused lately!!!) … I am a people person and I am all about relationships … I think I have explained that in one of my other previous blogs … I know, I know … I have to be a bitch at times (for lack of a better word … er, I think I am already L) if the situation calls for it … I have to be candid (brutally honest!) in giving straight and strong messages! … this week is really frustrating, tiring … really stretching me to my limits … how I wish everyone can just go home happy … with an outstanding and exceed expectations rating! I wish everyone can just be promoted and everyone gets 20% minimum increase in their salary! Yeah … I wish! … and I guess I can just go on wishing … (hmmm … is there a company out there that do this? ;=) hehe

I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to be writing this … knowing that a lot of the people who reports to me read my blogs …(my less and less frequent blogs … ) … oh well … so let me end in a light note … let me end with something really inspirational that will make those people having second thoughts about staying stay … let me end with powerful wisdom so that people will have their faith and loyalty back to the company … let me exhort people that where we are currently is but a challenge that … together we can overcome (the Tagalog translation sounds awfully familiar!!!) … so here goes … … … … … … … … … … er … er … er … er … <silence> … … … … <another long silence> … … … … <gives up> … ;=) hehe just kidding! ;=) call me a sentimental fool (or just a plain fool!) but I still love my job and the people in it (yes, without travel and with barely-meeting-the-ends-meet salary). yes, the group is in dire need of a major morale boost … and we need an inspiration … (I need an inspiration … but that’s another blog altogether!) I hoped that I would be that inspiration … in my own small way … I’m still hoping, BTW (and I really think it’s part of my life mission)… maybe one of these days I’ll figure it out … when I’m not too harassed and barely breathing with all the issues I need to work through … maybe one of these days, I will just ooze with enthusiasm about my job that I will just affect people immeasurably … yeah … maybe one of these days … when I get my 30% salary increase and my gas allowance … yeah, that will be the day! ;=)